I had a client named Dorothy. When I first met her she was in the mild to moderate range of Alzheimer’s. I was with her for three years as her disease progressed and in that time I learned so much from her. You may think that is strange but I truly learned a lot from someone with Alzheimer’s. How could that be?
When I first met Dorothy, the world was in the throws of Covid. She only saw me behind a mask and there were no activities in her independent living building. Her daughter bought 300 piece puzzles for us. Never being a puzzle person, I actually enjoyed doing puzzles with Dorothy and stayed late one day to finish our puzzle. We both clapped at our accomplishment! A 300 piece puzzle says on the box that it is for ages 6-12. I tried a 1,000 piece puzzle after that and discovered I am more suited to the 300 piece puzzles designed for a child.
Dorothy’s independent living had a small salt water tank. We could spend 45 minutes looking at that tank. The fish really calmed Dorothy. The more I looked at the tank, the more I saw the personality of every fish, including the bully starfish. I realized the calming effect of a fish tank and that each fish had a personality.
One day the two of us were flipping through television channels and a golf tournament was on. We stayed on that program for a moment and Dorothy became animated and started clapping at the good shots. She loved golf! Her daughter confirmed that she had been an avid golfer. Every Sunday during the season we would watch golf. We both would applaud at the great shots and hold our breaths at the make or break swings. I thought of golf as a boring sport but it is anything but.
One thing Dorothy loved was gardening. She would weed in the public spaces of her building. One day I reached for a weed and she told me I was doing it wrong. I needed to pull from the base to get the entire root. That is something I should have known but didn’t.
Dorothy was originally from Scotland and still had a wonderful accent. We looked at travel vlogs of her hometown and spoke of it often. She loved Queen Elizabeth and we both enjoyed watching The Crown. Even though the story line was sometimes too complicated for her, she enjoyed seeing her beloved Queen on the screen. I once mentioned the town of Glasgow but pronounced it Glass-cow. Boy did she do a major eye roll at me. She repeated three times with a guttural emphasis on the last syllable – Glass-gow. I now know better.
There were things I asked Dorothy to teach me but she wouldn’t. She was a wonderful dancer and I have two left feet but she outright refused to teach me. I have no idea why. I also asked to see pictures of her when she was younger. Her daughter said that there were many photo albums but she had no interest in looking at them. I always wonder if growing up in Europe during World War II had something to do with it.
As her disease progressed these things she loved doing began to become too complicated for her to get any pleasure out of them. We needed to do more simple activities. A few times I actually lied to her. I took hand towels and pillow cases out of my closet and put them in a ball. I told her I was so busy I didn’t have time to fold my laundry and needed her help. Being a fastidious housekeeper she gave me a look that I knew she thought I was lazy.
I encourage all of you to not dismiss someone with dementia. Learn how to engage with that person in a way that will not overwhelm them and bring them pleasure. You need to know what they enjoyed in the past and try to introduce that activity at their level of understanding. I find some people with dementia have a more basic view of the world that most of us pass by. There is a lot to be learned by slowing down and appreciating life.
The last time I saw Dorothy I had a feeling it would be the last. The disease had really progressed and she spoke very little but when I saw her I said, “Hello, how are you?” She replied, “I’m well, how are you?” That was the most I had heard her speak in the last few visits. I look at that as her parting gift to me, but she gave me so many gifts over the previous three years. Thank you Dorothy.