I have met wonderful adult children who have dedicated their lives to their parent when they became ill and needed caregiving. When that parent dies, I have witnessed those same people cry that they let their parent down and did not do enough. This is not an anomaly, it happens frequently.
What causes caregiver guilt?
- Past history with your parent. You may never do right in their eyes, from the time you were a child. They make you feel inadequate, regardless of what you have accomplished.
- Too much going on in your life. You have a job to do, maybe other older adults to look after or children. You could have your own health problems, as well. All of this is in addition to living your every day life.
- Your parent needs more care than one person can do. If your parent has many physical needs that you are taking care of in their home, it is probably difficult for one person to do most or all of it. This includes lack of support from other siblings or family members.
- Dementia/memory loss. Your parent may forget that you came three times this week to see them yet criticize you for not coming.
- Distance. If you do not live close to your parent that can cause you stress.
Knowing the cause of your stress is the first step to alleviating it. While one solution may not solve everything, more than one intervention may be needed.
Some solutions
- Seek help from other family members. It can be as simple as grandchildren calling more often to alleviate loneliness or having a sibling take over bill paying.
- Seek help from outsiders. Home care, house cleaners, transportation services can help you lessen the amount of time you are doing physical chores. This approach will give you more quality time with your parent.
- Seek counselling. Having a parent dependent on you can bring up many issues from your childhood that you think you have moved past in adulthood. Addressing these issues will benefit both you and your parent and help you in the future.
- Consider a facility to care for your loved one. If your parent is healthy but lonely, or their physical needs are close to a full time job, independent living or assisted living/nursing care may be needed. If you haven’t been in a long term care facility lately, you need to visit before judging. Many of them are nicer than most people’s homes.
- If you live far away, and moving your parent closer is not an option, try to recruit a friend or a neighbor to check in.
Know This
Because of dementia, illness or personality, your parent may not be able to say please and thank you. Say it to yourself and know you are doing the right thing.
Seeking help (physical or emotional) does not mean you are neglectful or weak. It means you are human.
I seldom see adult children who rarely did anything for their aging parent feel guilt. Although I cannot get into their heads, I believe either they think you took care of it so why worry or they do not think taking care of their elderly parent was their responsibility to begin with. Knowing that you care should give you encouragement.
You are human and there are only 24 hours in one day. People who wear multiple hats often feel they are not doing an adequate job in each role. Give your self some grace.
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